Trouble Spots: Elaboration
Courtesy of M. T. Dremer

            How can you make a simple line such as “He walked into a store” into something more descriptive and interesting?

            If you are just starting out as a writer then you might have trouble answering this question, I know I did when I was first starting. In fact, most of my writing sounded just like that; straight to the point without any emotion or description. So what I hope to do in this Trouble Spots, is give an idea of how you should expand simple lines like this into a more visual and entertaining read.

So let’s start with that exact line.

Original: He walked into a store.

Elaboration: The shining cursive letters cast a hue over the sidewalk as he approached the glass doors. It was one in the morning and yet even at this time, figures could be seen scurrying about inside.

            He moved to the door and opened it, only to back away as an older woman carrying several bags of groceries passed by.

            “Thanks,” she muttered. Large purple bags could be seen under here eyes and he simply nodded politely before he moved into the fluorescent lights.

            Okay, now I could keep going, but I stopped because the ending point was when he entered the store. What you need to ask yourself when elaborating is; what is happening around the character, and more importantly, what events are worth mentioning. Obviously if the detail is insignificant, then it probably isn’t necessary to mention it. Picture yourself entering a store and ask yourself, what stands out? Is it the wind, or the lights, or the people?

            The reason I added the woman leaving was because it is something we notice. This woman might not have anything to do with the later story, but by telling you about her, you get a general idea of what kind of people are in this store at this time of night.

            Let’s try another one.

Original: The air was cold.

Elaboration: A swift breeze washed over him, bringing with it the biting cold from the mountain’s peak.

            I left this one short to prove that lines don’t need to be long to be descriptive. So rather than just saying it was cold, I reminded you and the character that it was cold by making a gust of wind go by, and I also told you that it was cold because he was near a mountain peak. This gave more information in a way that doesn’t grind it into your readers mind.

            I could have even gone simpler to say: “The air was frigid against his skin.” Sometimes just the changing of one word from cold to frigid is all that is necessary, and of course a brief nod to the character who is experiencing this.

            Now let’s try an object that doesn’t change.

Original: The book sat on the shelf.

Elaboration: The book sat lifeless on the cold metal, leaning slightly against the end of the rack. Its pages were yellowed with age and its title loomed up in bold print that begged to be read.

            With inanimate objects it is always good to personify them with human traits. Obviously the book can’t beg you to read it, but you probably know what I meant when I said it. We also see a little more of the book, we now know that it is old and is sitting askew on the rack. Maybe it hasn’t been checked out much so no attention is paid to it, or perhaps it is checked out so often that it can never be straightened. You would need to go further to answer those questions, but in a few extra lines we have added worlds of depth to this mysterious book.

            Another troublesome elaboration area is people, or character descriptions.

Original: He had green eyes, red hair, and freckles.

Elaboration: His sharp green eyes swept over the room as if searching for a lost item that could never be found. His freckles were bright against his pale skin, matching his flame red hair in its familiar unkempt fashion.

            In this situation it was necessary for me to give this man purpose; what is he doing? It is always good to mesh character descriptions together with actions, that way it flows smoothly into the readers mind rather than forces it down their throats.

            As you get better as a writer the process of elaboration will come more naturally to you, and when it doesn’t, it won’t cause so much writer’s block. Hopefully this has been of help to you, but if you have trouble with elaboration, don’t be afraid to pick up that favorite book of yours and pick a sentence, any sentence at random and see how that author handled it and think about how you could handle your own sentences similarly.